| DON'T shut them off by changing the subject. | DO listen patiently to everything they have to say. Expect and allow them to repeat themselves and to bring the subject up again later. They are trying to sort out their feelings. Verbalizing them with someone who will listen helps.
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DON'T condemn them for making a bad or immoral choice.
| DO reassure them that it's OK to make mistakes. On a spiritual level, all religions teach that our mistakes/sins can be forgiven. God wants to forgive us. All we have to do is to admit that we need and desire.
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DON'T deny that they lost a child.
| DO reassure them that their feelings are normal. Others have experienced the same thing and found healing. Build up a sense of hope that they can be healed and reconciled with God and their child in heaven.
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DON'T encourage them to blame others for the abortion. But don't push them to forgive others, especially when they are in the initial stages of venting their anger and rage.
| DO allow them to vent their anger toward others, but look for the right time to encourage forgiveness and "letting go" of one's anger. Encourage them to see that the other people they blame were also confused, scared, or just looking for the best way out of a hard situation.
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DON'T insist that they did the "right thing" or the "best thing" at the time.
| DO allow them to regret their choice. Allow them to reframe the experience as a tragic mistake. But remind them that we all can become better people when we learn from our mistakes. Women and men who have found healing after an abortion often become more humble, compassionate, and sensitive. Even a negative experience can be used to help others.
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DON'T suggest that having another child "someday" can make up for the one that was lost. Future children are a blessing and comfort, but they can't replace the child who was lost. The expectation that they can may cause parenting problems in the future.
| DO encourage them to entrust their child to the care of God. Reassure them that on a spiritual level, their loss is only temporary. Someday they can be with their child in heaven and they will be able to ask for, and receive, their child's forgiveness.
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DON'T leave them without encouraging them, over and over again, to find and accept the help of post-abortion counselors or peer support groups.
| DO give them an 800 number to a post-abortion hotline or some other referral information. If you don't have it on hand, promise to get it to them within the week. Keep your promise.
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DON'T be afraid to ask them how they are doing with it in the future.
| DO show that you care by continuing to be a sounding board for them.
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